Thursday, January 29, 2004
Advertising
So, I am sure you have all noticed how at the top of your blog there is a space for Google to advertise different websites. The thing that fascinates me about this is how they tailor it to fit your interests. For instance, mine often has links to Interlochen Arts Camp, a website devoted to helping musicians land symphony jobs, A Horn Players website, and one for singers. This seems like such a weird thing to be commenting on. I mean, we see advertisements all the time, and how often do we really take the time to read them. Still, for reasons that are beyond me, seeing them at the top of my Blog (especially the IAC one) makes me extremely happy. I suppose this is because it takes so little to make me happy, but I enjoy that you can read my blog and then click on the link to see the kinds of things that interest me. Anyway, I realize that this is a rather short post and an odd topic, but I hope you will take the time to read more about the musical topics that interest me (especially you fellow musicians.) And be sure to check out the IAC website and see where I spent 8 amazing weeks in high school. But now, it is time for me to head off to rehearsal. I love those words. :) Happy surfing!
Thursday, January 22, 2004
The week I met Jesus
As you may or may not know, I was not raised in a church. My mother is Unitarian, and my father is Methodist. They felt that their children should choose their own faiths, and subsequently, the only times I ever attended church were when my brother's Boy Scout troop was helping with the service at Annandale United Methodist Church and when I had spent the night at my cousin's house on a Saturday night, and went to church with them the next morning (Unitarian.) My father, siblings and I also attended a few Easter services at AUM. This was the extent of my religious upbringing until I was in fifth grade. That summer, my sister worked at Camp Highroad, and she convinced my parents to let me come for a week (well, five days, four nights.) This was the first encounter I ever had with devotions, and it was also the first time I started thinking about the kind of person I wanted to be. I learned some extremely valuable lessons that summer about the power of goodness, humility, kindness, and love. I am sure I must have driven my counselors, Billie and James, nuts because I am certain that I was far from ordinary. I was a good kid, and I always did what I was told, but I viewed the world much differently than my fellow campers did. I was very quiet as a child, even more than I am now. I have always felt that observation is more beneficial than talking, and back then, I took in more than I could possibly comprehend at my meager 11 years. We had two kids in the group who were typical troublemakers. Marcus and J.J. were the kind of fun-loving kids who had probably faced more hard times in their lives than I will ever face in mine. They were tough, and mean, and the other kids didn't like them. There were daily battles between them, and looking back, I am impressed at how well my counselors handled the problems. I must admit, that I too thought they were mean, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to give them a fair chance after the initial meeting. But, as I said, I never was normal, and somehow I was convinced that if they were only showed some kindness, their true hearts would shine through. At dinner the second night, I made an extra effort to be nice, and for the first time in my life, I thought that maybe I had hit on something. Marcus looked me in the eye, and for a brief moment, we connected, and I felt like I could see the good in him. He actually smiled at me, and I am fairly certain it was the only real smile I saw from him all week. The whole thing reaffirmed my theory that I should be kind to everyone always, and that if I did that, I would be living as I truly wanted to live.
Well, I am not perfect, and grand promises are hard to keep. On the second to last day of camp, we were all sitting on the steps of the girls' cabin exchanging addresses and relishing the time we had to be together. At one point, J.J. stole Adevia's address book, and started taunting her. She got really upset, and no amount of coaxing could get him to return it. Well, I lost my temper and yelled at him to return the book. Immediately after I yelled, I regretted it and flew into the cabin, sobbing hysterically. I had failed at being good. I had lost my temper, and had allowed myself to become upset. I was furious with myself, and I couldn't believe that I had screwed up after only a few days. Billie thought that I was upset by what J.J. had done, and she made him apologize to me, which only made me feel worse. I am sure that no one in that unit ever knew why I was so upset. I am sure she never dreamed that I was upset with myself. And while I still wish I hadn't allowed myself to become so involved, I learned some important lessons from the experience. I had a horrible temper as a child, and it wasn't until that year that I really learned to control it. I hardly ever get mad now, and when I do, it is fleeting, lasting only minutes, and I usually manage to control it enough that no one gets hurt. Without having that experience, I wouldn't have learned what sets me off, and I wouldn't be able to control it as well as I do. I also learned that I am not perfect. I make mistakes, but I have a good heart, and I learn from those mistakes. And most importantly, I learned who I was and who I wanted to become. I was tested in that, and I faltered, but in the end, it was worth it. Jesus never promised it would be easy, but He promised that He would always be with us, and that if we learned to love each other, we would be loving Him. And looking back, I know that in the moment Marcus smiled at me and the moment J.J. apologized, I saw Jesus. I hope I never miss the Christ Light in others again. Namaste.
Well, I am not perfect, and grand promises are hard to keep. On the second to last day of camp, we were all sitting on the steps of the girls' cabin exchanging addresses and relishing the time we had to be together. At one point, J.J. stole Adevia's address book, and started taunting her. She got really upset, and no amount of coaxing could get him to return it. Well, I lost my temper and yelled at him to return the book. Immediately after I yelled, I regretted it and flew into the cabin, sobbing hysterically. I had failed at being good. I had lost my temper, and had allowed myself to become upset. I was furious with myself, and I couldn't believe that I had screwed up after only a few days. Billie thought that I was upset by what J.J. had done, and she made him apologize to me, which only made me feel worse. I am sure that no one in that unit ever knew why I was so upset. I am sure she never dreamed that I was upset with myself. And while I still wish I hadn't allowed myself to become so involved, I learned some important lessons from the experience. I had a horrible temper as a child, and it wasn't until that year that I really learned to control it. I hardly ever get mad now, and when I do, it is fleeting, lasting only minutes, and I usually manage to control it enough that no one gets hurt. Without having that experience, I wouldn't have learned what sets me off, and I wouldn't be able to control it as well as I do. I also learned that I am not perfect. I make mistakes, but I have a good heart, and I learn from those mistakes. And most importantly, I learned who I was and who I wanted to become. I was tested in that, and I faltered, but in the end, it was worth it. Jesus never promised it would be easy, but He promised that He would always be with us, and that if we learned to love each other, we would be loving Him. And looking back, I know that in the moment Marcus smiled at me and the moment J.J. apologized, I saw Jesus. I hope I never miss the Christ Light in others again. Namaste.
Monday, January 19, 2004
Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder
As this is my last semester of college, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I should do with my life. I must say that I have come up with very few conclusions. And, I think, this is a good thing. I had decided after my Wind Ensemble audition that I was going to give up playing the clarinet for the simple reason that I didn't think I was good enough. At least, that's part of it. I felt really good about that audition, and at the time, I was certain that I had done my very best. So, when I didn't get the chair I wanted, I concluded that my best wasn't good enough and never would be. There are very few music majors in the Wind Ensemble, and I am the only music major in the clarinet section of the band. I've worked very hard since I got here, and this is my last semester. By rights, I felt I should be first chair. And maybe I should be. That's neither here, nor there. The truth of the matter is that I am not. And it really doesn't matter that a first year got a higher chair than I did. The part that really upset me was that I didn't think anyone else at the school thought I was any good. The few performance faculty that I talk to have all tried to hint that making it in the music world is very hard and that I should be prepared to get rejected. This isn't news to me, as I have been getting "rejected" on a regular basis ever since I started playing the clarinet, some 12 odd years ago. I went to Interlochen Arts Camp, for goodness sake. I know what it's like to not be the best. But somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I needed to be the best. Or most importantly, I wanted others to think I was the best. I was really hurt because I thought Mrs. Garlick and Dwight and everyone else thought I wasn't good enough and never would be. I thought they were just patronizing me, pretending to applaud my few achievements but really thinking that I didn't have a chance of making it. The truth of the matter is that I let MYSELF believe that I wasn't good enough and never would be. This is pure nonsense, as David tried to point out to me the other night. Sorry, David, but I just wasn't ready to hear it yet.
I have an audition on Saturday for the University of Maryland, and at my lesson today, she had me do a mock audition. It wasn't perfect, and to my critical ears, it wasn't even decent. But, you know what she told me? She told me I was ready and would do great. That the only thing I needed was confidence. This, of course, only goes to show that I was completely wrong about her thinking I suck. Which brings me back to my original idea, which I promise relates to the title of this posting. It all comes back to perception. I need to stop worrying so much what other people think and start focusing on what I think. I know that I lack confidence in my playing. I have for several years; most notably after that awful All-State Band Audition Senior year of high school. This whole college experience has been my way of trying to regain that confidence that I lost somewhere along the way. It doesn't matter whether I am the best. The only thing that matters is whether I am happy. Playing the clarinet makes me happy. It always has. I love every part of it. I like the way my fingers look, dancing up and down the keys. I like the feeling of being connected, mind, heart, and soul. I love that I can look at a page of notes and make music come alive. I love music with every fiber or my being, and I know that when I play, I portray that love. I have an innate sense of musicality and expression, and I instinctively play from my heart. I think my music is beautiful and moving, so it really doesn't matter whether other people like it or not. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I have an audition on Saturday for the University of Maryland, and at my lesson today, she had me do a mock audition. It wasn't perfect, and to my critical ears, it wasn't even decent. But, you know what she told me? She told me I was ready and would do great. That the only thing I needed was confidence. This, of course, only goes to show that I was completely wrong about her thinking I suck. Which brings me back to my original idea, which I promise relates to the title of this posting. It all comes back to perception. I need to stop worrying so much what other people think and start focusing on what I think. I know that I lack confidence in my playing. I have for several years; most notably after that awful All-State Band Audition Senior year of high school. This whole college experience has been my way of trying to regain that confidence that I lost somewhere along the way. It doesn't matter whether I am the best. The only thing that matters is whether I am happy. Playing the clarinet makes me happy. It always has. I love every part of it. I like the way my fingers look, dancing up and down the keys. I like the feeling of being connected, mind, heart, and soul. I love that I can look at a page of notes and make music come alive. I love music with every fiber or my being, and I know that when I play, I portray that love. I have an innate sense of musicality and expression, and I instinctively play from my heart. I think my music is beautiful and moving, so it really doesn't matter whether other people like it or not. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
Firelighting
Last night I went over to the Dwelling for the firelighting. I had been having a rather tough day, and I was hoping that this would put me in lighter spirits. When I got there, Will convinced me to play Mario Kart with them. That was fun, though I am in need of lots of practice. Then, I got to talk to Kristen for awhile, which was fun. The highlight of the evening, though, came when Drew instituted a game of Charades. At first, I sat out for a bit, wanting to observe the game. But, I found that I couldn't just sit out and cheer for my team. As it turns out, I am a charades queen. My team correctly guessed every single thing I acted out, and they selected me to act out the bonus, take all round. The other team gave me "Standing outside a broken phonebooth with money in my hand." I successfully acted out every word for my team, and we won!! Needless to say, I felt rather good about myself. It is not a great skill to have, but, considering that earlier in the day I felt like I couldn't do anything well, it felt pretty good.
Tonight there is a dance party at Study Camp, and I am sure that is going to be lots of fun, as well. I can't wait. In the meantime, though, I will be working away in the music library. It gets pretty boring down there, so please, come and visit me if you have time. :) I love visitors. Hope your weekends are starting off well!
Tonight there is a dance party at Study Camp, and I am sure that is going to be lots of fun, as well. I can't wait. In the meantime, though, I will be working away in the music library. It gets pretty boring down there, so please, come and visit me if you have time. :) I love visitors. Hope your weekends are starting off well!
Thursday, January 15, 2004
"Seasons of Love"
This entry might be a little disjointed. I can't seem to quite get my thoughts in order, and I am not entirely sure I know what I want to say. Tonight I went to dinner and forum at the Wesley Foundation, and I must say that it was one of the best times I've had in awhile. Dinner was excellent (mad props to Andrew and Brian,) and I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with Kris and Kristen. Kristen and I were ridiculously silly, and I had a nice car ride home with Kris (yes, I do live 2 minutes from the Foundation, walking, but when you are offered a ride from a good friend and it's a cold night, you'd be silly to turn it down.) This has all reaffirmed my plan to spend more time with my friends. I love you guys! I also got to talk to Mike tonight. He was returning an earlier phone call, and it was nice to have a chance to catch up. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends. In forum, we talked about prioritizing our time, and my group talked about spending time with friends and taking time for yourself. I am going to make a serious effort to remember to do that. Feel free to remind me of this if I forget half-way through the semester. :)
At the end of forum, we closed in prayer, and while people were lifting up prayers for loved ones, I was hit with a wave of sadness. My cat, Mittens, died December 28th. She was 18 and a half, and we knew that her death was coming soon. She wasn't in pain, but she was looking much weaker than she had even at Thanksgiving. She had arthritis in her legs, and she was walking with a slight limp. We thought we were going to lose her on Christmas Eve, because she had what we think was a minor stroke and couldn't move her legs well. They kept getting stuck so she couldn't unbend them, and her eyes were blank. She recovered a little while later, but it really shook us up, and it made me realize that she was probably going to pass away while I was home. Thankfully, she waited until the day after my sister's birthday. Mittens was technically her cat, and I don't know how she would have handled it had it happened on her birthday. Sadly, my sister is the one who found her. I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day when she came running up the stairs, pounding on my parents' door. I knew immediately what had happened, but I still couldn't believe it. I was somehow in shock, and so I stupidly walked out of the bathroom and asked her what had happened. She wouldn't let me go downstairs. Even though she was overcome with grief, she wanted to protect me from seeing her like that. She went downstairs with my dad and my mom while I sat in the hallway next to the stairs and cried. I knew, in my heart, that she was going to die soon, but I still somehow believed that she would live forever and would always be around. Mittens has been my baby since I was four. I can't remember what it was like without her. She wasn't technically my cat, but she was mine in love. I used to tell her everything little thing while I was growing up. I'd sit and stroke her while I told her my dreams and heartaches. She'd let me pet her and kiss her head, and she would listen. Now, if you've never met my cat, you don't know how remarkable this is. She was not the most friendly cat. She was skittish for most of her life, and was definitely NOT a lap cat. I never once picked her up, and she had a habit of being a snob when the feeling suited her. But we loved each other, and somehow our relationship suited us both. I cannot even begin to tell you the hole I have in my heart knowing that she isn't around anymore. And I can't get the image of her lying there out of my head. I did get to see her before my dad covered her in a towel to be taken to the vet to be cremated. I wanted to be able to say goodbye. And while I am glad that I did, and that I had showered her with extra love over break, I can't get her eyes out of my mind. She never saw it coming. And in a way, I guess that's good. She felt no pain, and knew no fear. It was instantaneous. And now she is with God. But I miss her, and I know that I will for a long time. I suppose this seems like a rather sad posting, but I don't mean it to be. I am saddened that she is gone, and I miss her more than I can say, but I am thankful for every day that I had with her. I am thankful that I learned such important lessons on love and humility and compromise from her. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to know her and grow up with her. I know that I am a more understanding and gentle person because I grew up with her. And I can't ask for anything more than that. So, baby, I love you, and I miss you, and I am always going to remember you. Rest in peace, my love, and goodbye.
At the end of forum, we closed in prayer, and while people were lifting up prayers for loved ones, I was hit with a wave of sadness. My cat, Mittens, died December 28th. She was 18 and a half, and we knew that her death was coming soon. She wasn't in pain, but she was looking much weaker than she had even at Thanksgiving. She had arthritis in her legs, and she was walking with a slight limp. We thought we were going to lose her on Christmas Eve, because she had what we think was a minor stroke and couldn't move her legs well. They kept getting stuck so she couldn't unbend them, and her eyes were blank. She recovered a little while later, but it really shook us up, and it made me realize that she was probably going to pass away while I was home. Thankfully, she waited until the day after my sister's birthday. Mittens was technically her cat, and I don't know how she would have handled it had it happened on her birthday. Sadly, my sister is the one who found her. I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day when she came running up the stairs, pounding on my parents' door. I knew immediately what had happened, but I still couldn't believe it. I was somehow in shock, and so I stupidly walked out of the bathroom and asked her what had happened. She wouldn't let me go downstairs. Even though she was overcome with grief, she wanted to protect me from seeing her like that. She went downstairs with my dad and my mom while I sat in the hallway next to the stairs and cried. I knew, in my heart, that she was going to die soon, but I still somehow believed that she would live forever and would always be around. Mittens has been my baby since I was four. I can't remember what it was like without her. She wasn't technically my cat, but she was mine in love. I used to tell her everything little thing while I was growing up. I'd sit and stroke her while I told her my dreams and heartaches. She'd let me pet her and kiss her head, and she would listen. Now, if you've never met my cat, you don't know how remarkable this is. She was not the most friendly cat. She was skittish for most of her life, and was definitely NOT a lap cat. I never once picked her up, and she had a habit of being a snob when the feeling suited her. But we loved each other, and somehow our relationship suited us both. I cannot even begin to tell you the hole I have in my heart knowing that she isn't around anymore. And I can't get the image of her lying there out of my head. I did get to see her before my dad covered her in a towel to be taken to the vet to be cremated. I wanted to be able to say goodbye. And while I am glad that I did, and that I had showered her with extra love over break, I can't get her eyes out of my mind. She never saw it coming. And in a way, I guess that's good. She felt no pain, and knew no fear. It was instantaneous. And now she is with God. But I miss her, and I know that I will for a long time. I suppose this seems like a rather sad posting, but I don't mean it to be. I am saddened that she is gone, and I miss her more than I can say, but I am thankful for every day that I had with her. I am thankful that I learned such important lessons on love and humility and compromise from her. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to know her and grow up with her. I know that I am a more understanding and gentle person because I grew up with her. And I can't ask for anything more than that. So, baby, I love you, and I miss you, and I am always going to remember you. Rest in peace, my love, and goodbye.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Hi Everyone! So.... somehow I got suckered into creating one of these myself, though I have no idea what I could possibly say that will be of any interest to anyone other than myself. But either way, here goes:
It's the start of a whole new year and the beginning of my last semester here at UVA. In some ways, this is all very exciting, as it is most certainly a time of new beginnings in my life. I am determined to make the most of my last semester by getting closer to the friends I've made here, which as Miss Kristen Barbiere knows, means I will be spending a lot more time with her and the other lovely ladies of the Wesley Foundation. I also fully intend to spend more time with the Mo Ho peeps, which means I have to stop being a recluse in my room and start leaving the door open more so people can stop in and visit. I've reorganized my little space making it even cleaner and more efficient. And I somehow managed to have the best Wind Ensemble audition yet of my college career. In addition to all of this, I have resolved to stop stressing so much over every little thing in my life. This, as you know, is the thing I am quite possibly the worst at. Which I suppose brings me to my next thought.
Recently, I had my heart broken a bit, and, in my typical, Elizabeth way, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that this meant I was forever going to be single and that I obviously had some fatal flaw that made me unsuitable for a relationship. Well, last night, I had a long chat with my hallmate, Beth, and she made me realize how foolish I was being. See, in a way, I was right. I do have a flaw that makes me unsuitable for a relationship; me. As much as I say that I would love to have someone to talk to, and be with, the truth of the matter is that I am not ready for any such thing. I am super busy with my music, school, camp, my faith, and discovering who exactly I am. I like being single and only having to worry about myself. I spent most of middle school and high school worrying about everyone but myself. It's time to focus on me. And while I by no means intend to stop caring about those around me, I do need to focus on making myself happy and independent. After all, that's what growing up and living is all about. So this year is going to be about me and molding myself into the person I have always known I am at heart. I hope that all of you spend some time this year searching your hearts. Happy hunting!
It's the start of a whole new year and the beginning of my last semester here at UVA. In some ways, this is all very exciting, as it is most certainly a time of new beginnings in my life. I am determined to make the most of my last semester by getting closer to the friends I've made here, which as Miss Kristen Barbiere knows, means I will be spending a lot more time with her and the other lovely ladies of the Wesley Foundation. I also fully intend to spend more time with the Mo Ho peeps, which means I have to stop being a recluse in my room and start leaving the door open more so people can stop in and visit. I've reorganized my little space making it even cleaner and more efficient. And I somehow managed to have the best Wind Ensemble audition yet of my college career. In addition to all of this, I have resolved to stop stressing so much over every little thing in my life. This, as you know, is the thing I am quite possibly the worst at. Which I suppose brings me to my next thought.
Recently, I had my heart broken a bit, and, in my typical, Elizabeth way, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that this meant I was forever going to be single and that I obviously had some fatal flaw that made me unsuitable for a relationship. Well, last night, I had a long chat with my hallmate, Beth, and she made me realize how foolish I was being. See, in a way, I was right. I do have a flaw that makes me unsuitable for a relationship; me. As much as I say that I would love to have someone to talk to, and be with, the truth of the matter is that I am not ready for any such thing. I am super busy with my music, school, camp, my faith, and discovering who exactly I am. I like being single and only having to worry about myself. I spent most of middle school and high school worrying about everyone but myself. It's time to focus on me. And while I by no means intend to stop caring about those around me, I do need to focus on making myself happy and independent. After all, that's what growing up and living is all about. So this year is going to be about me and molding myself into the person I have always known I am at heart. I hope that all of you spend some time this year searching your hearts. Happy hunting!
